Olivia Fox Cabane

Charisma Demystified

• Becoming more charismatic involves simple tweaks to your behavior. • Charisma doesn't require you to be outgoing or attractive, or for you to change your personality. • It's a skill, a discipline, like playing a sport or an instrument. • It takes work, practice, and the right set of tools.

The Charismatic Behaviors: Presence, Power, and Warmth

• Increasing your charisma involves behaviors that project more of three core charismatic qualities: presence, power, and warmth. • All three are communicated mostly through body language, which isn't under your conscious control. • Instead, your internal (emotional and mental) state determines your body language. • By choosing what you imagine, and by learning how to adjust your mental state, you can ensure that body language projects more presence, power, and warmth, and thus charisma. • In terms of achieving charisma, your internal state is critical. Get the internal state right, and the right charismatic behaviors and body language will pour forth automatically. • Being present—paying attention to what's going on rather than being caught up in your thoughts—can yield immense rewards. • When you exhibit presence, those around you feel listened to, respected, and valued.

The Obstacles to Presence, Power, and Warmth

• Discomfort affects your mental state and prevents you from projecting presence, power, and warmth. • It impacts how you feel, how you perform, and how others perceive you. • This applies to both physical discomfort and mental discomfort, such as anxiety, dissatisfaction, self-criticism, and self-doubt. • Aim to prevent discomfort by planning ahead to ensure comfort in clothing, location, and timing. • If discomfort arises, you can either address it (for instance, with a mental technique such as the responsibility transfer) or explain it so that it's not misperceived. • In all cases, being aware of the discomfort is the first step in being able to address it.

Overcoming the Obstacles

• There is a simple three-step process for addressing internal discomfort so that your charisma can shine through. • First, destigmatize it by recognizing that we all experience the same kinds of internal discomfort, that they're completely normal and nothing to be ashamed of. • Think of others who've gone through this before—especially people you admire—and see yourself as part of a community of human beings experiencing the same feeling at the same moment. • Second, neutralize the negativity attached to the experience by reminding yourself that the negative thoughts are not necessarily accurate. • Third, rewrite reality by designing and adopting an interpretation of the situation that gives you a more charismatic state.

Creating Charismatic Mental States

• Once you've addressed the obstacles, the next step is to consciously create mental states that help you project charisma. • Visualization, used commonly by professional athletes, is a remarkably versatile and powerful tool for accessing the right mental state. • Practicing gratitude, goodwill, and compassion puts you in a mental state that projects warmth. • And compassion for yourself, surprisingly, helps you access all aspects of charisma. • You can also use those elements of body language you do control, such as posture and facial expressions, to impact your mental state, which then feeds back into the rest of your body language, initiating a positive cycle. • Just as professional athletes and performers do, plan a gradual warm-up to your peak charismatic performance. • Before important events, avoid experiences that would impair your warmth and plan confidence-boosting activities instead.

Different Charisma Styles

• Different styles of charisma are appropriate for different people and different situations. • We look at four that are both practical and accessible. • Focus charisma is achieved primarily through presence and good listening, and makes people feel heard, understood, and respected. • Visionary charisma requires a bold vision that is delivered with complete conviction; it inspires people to believe in and want to be a part of this vision. • Kindness charisma primarily involves warmth and acceptance, and creates an emotional connection. • Authority charisma is achieved primarily through the projection of power and status, and leads people to listen or obey. • You can alternate among different charisma styles or even blend them together. • To decide which charisma style to use, consider your personality, your goals, and the specific situation at hand.

Charismatic First Impressions

• First impressions matter. • Within minutes or even seconds, people form an impression of your status, your personality, and much else about you, and this evaluation filters their future perceptions of you. • The first impression you make starts with your appearance, and typically continues with your handshake and the start of your conversation. • People feel most comfortable with those who are similar to them in some way, including appearance and behavior. • Good first impressions can weigh heavily in your favor, just as bad ones can take significant work to undo. • Great conversationalists keep the spotlight on the other person and make them feel good about themselves, because people will associate you with whatever feelings you produce in them.

Graceful Conversation exits

• Offer something of value when ending interactions:
  • Information: recommend an article, book, or website relevant to their interests
  • Connections: introduce them to someone they should meet
  • Visibility: invite them to speak at an organization you belong to
  • Recognition: suggest an award they might be nominated for

Speaking—and Listening—with Charisma